Setting aside my typical spring rant about broken sidewalks, unsightly telephone poles on Main Street and our need for roundabouts, this year I tackle just one infrastructure issue: congestion on Route 100. Maybe not a crisis today but, as the exurbanization of Stowe continues, the daily commutes and weekend visitor traffic will thicken to a crawl. Rather than propose solutions of my own to this coming traffic-geddon, I offer a survey of how different geopolitical systems would tackle the looming problem.
EUROPEAN UNION — Anyone who has visited Europe or seen a Bourne film will know EU traffic solutions are sleek and expensive. I believe the EU would propose and build (they are not just planners, those Euro-crats; they build like the engineers of Ancient Rome) either a cool bridge or an awe-inspiring tunnel.
The bridge would take traffic off Route 100 where the Creamery Building once stood, and arch gracefully up and away toward the Hollow. It would soar over Emily’s Bridge and barely touch dirt as it leaps Taber Hill and flies gracefully over Brownsville, reconnecting with Route 100 where Randolph Road spurs off. A large plaza would anchor the tunnel, complete with a typical Euro-highway mini-mart, which means five-star food and incredible coffee. The bridge would cost eight billion euros. Local officials would be notified of the project 10 days after construction started. That notice would be the last communication from Brussels.
A tunnel concept would see the EU burrow like rabbits just opposite the Tubbs building. From commencement of digging and forevermore, the homes on Cliff Street would be accessible only by a quaint and ancient-looking walking path, creating a small ‘Cinque Terre’ tourism opportunity in Stowe.
The tunnel would drive so deep ears would pop, and nothing in the village would be disturbed (although the telephone poles and wires along Main Street would finally be sucked underground). Rejoining Pucker Street straight across from the old Snow’s Snack-Shack, the quaint snack-shack would become, yes, an unneeded but beautiful Euro-rest stop with incredibly good coffee, $6-a-liter gasoline and panini cooked just right.
The tunnel budget would be modest compared to the expense for the sleek bridge. Cost overruns, however, would make Euro-spending on the Large Hadron Collider seem low-rent. Informed of the construction of the tunnel 10 days after it opens for business, local officials would despair but no one would care. Whether the tunnel or bridge option were to be selected, neither the actual project cost nor where the money actually came from would be clear. Quizzed officials would simply shrug, put their hands out in front of them, palms up and flat, and say, “it’s a mystery!”
CHINA — China would approach the project mostly through traffic controls and an interesting mass transit project. After a great deal of study (classified) the following traffic restrictions would be put into effect. Mondays: Women under 40 may use the roads. Tuesdays: Trucks. Wednesdays: Women over 40 and children. Thursday: No one; the roads will be closed for cleaning. Friday: Men under 50. Saturday and Sunday: Tourists only. Special regulation: Men 50 and over may use the roads in and around Stowe only after 3 a.m. and before 5:30 a.m. They must be off the roads and quiet at all other times.
In addition to the traffic conditions, the Chinese government will build a Maglev train running from the Waterbury Depot to the Cumberland Farms in Morrisville, cutting the travel time between downtown Waterbury and Mo’ville from about 40 minutes to, oh, 18 seconds. If on the other hand the traffic restrictions do not work, instead of the Maglev train, the people living north of Stowe — from Morrisville to at least Bethel, Maine — would simply be relocated to Waterbury. The emptied region would be flooded for a hydroelectric project that would supply no one.
The Maglev (or relocation) project would cost four billion Yuan. No one really knows how much that is in dollars, but it is a lot. Each worker on the project, paid one dollar per day, will not have housing, as that is a local issue. The rest of the budget would fund graft and corruption, and eventually be funneled back to America through the EB-5 visa program, proving that bribery does not stop at the border.
AMERICANS — Talk about traffic in and around town for a long, long time. Never actually do anything.
UK — For very little money and using buckets of commonsense, the British would design and install different-sized roundabouts in Stowe at places such as the junction of Route 100 and Stagecoach Road north of the village, near the Episcopal Church at the junction of Route 108 and Luce Hill Road, at the failed three-way intersection in town and to the south at the intersection between Route 100 and Moscow Road. This project, managed with the no-nonsense and deliberative demeanor shown by Sir Alec in “The Bridge on the River Kwai,” will be inexpensive, save lives, calm traffic and allow 53-year-old men to drive the roads of Stowe in peace and quiet whenever they damn well want.
(0) comments
Welcome to the discussion.
Log In
Keep it clean. Please avoid obscene, vulgar, lewd, racist or sexual language.
PLEASE TURN OFF YOUR CAPS LOCK.
Don't threaten. Threats of harming another person will not be tolerated.
Be truthful. Don't knowingly lie about anyone or anything.
Be nice. No racism, sexism or any sort of -ism that is degrading to another person.
Be proactive. Use the "Report" link on each comment to let us know of abusive posts.
Share with us. We'd love to hear eyewitness accounts, the history behind an article.