Extreme winter hibernation

Fade in on our hero getting out of his car. I point at the frigid landscape around my apartment. “Take a look out here, folks. Ice. Snow. A world of white as far as the eye can see.” I tromp up the walk and pass a neighbor unloading armfuls of ski equipment from his car. I shake my head.

“Some people just don’t get it,” I say to the camera. “Not that I have anything against skiers. I feel nothing but appreciation for all of the insane people who keep me gainfully employed. But this will be the last time I’ll be outside until Sunday. Oh yeah, this is where hibernating gets real.”

The front door opens to show my smiling girlfriend eagerly awaiting my arrival.

I wink at the camera. “And hibernating is always better with two.” I call out, “It’s great to be home, honey!”

“Yeah, sure… you got the burgers, right?”

I had. Blue Donkey burgers. Awesome. We unpack take-out boxes onto the living room table.

“Your choice of food is very important with hibernating,” I say to the camera. “Always stick with comfort food. And by ‘comfort food,’ I mean ‘food-made-by-someone-other-than-me.’ Other than work, I only leave the house in the winter to get food. And once I hypnotize local town officials into approving more delivery options, my hibernation plans will be complete.”

Camera cuts to us scarfing down burgers like there’s no tomorrow. Cut to a close-up of my girlfriend dunking a fry into a tub of mayonnaise and eating it as I stare.

“What can I say?” I whisper to the camera. “She’s Canadian. They have exotic ways, eh?”

She looks my way and scowls. “Do you have to film that stupid reality show now?”

I shrug. “Once this hits the airwaves I’ll be this town’s Honey Boo Boo! Only cuter.” I flash a crooked grin at the camera. A starry light glints off of one coffee-stained tooth. Ding!

Cut to commercial: The Snuggie! It’s a blanket… with arms! Favorite of extreme hibernators everywhere!

Fade in on me in my bedroom. I pump out several squirts of lotion and apply it to my body. I’m naked but the camera blurs out any body parts that viewers might find distasteful. This means everything from the neck down.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m moisturizing,” I say. “It’s not the most masculine thing to do, but it’s winter! My skin will develop actual scales without this stuff. And I have a feeling things are about to get a little up close and personal.”

I wink, then run into the living room, hands behind my back. “Honey!” I call out. “I have a surprise!” I bring my hands forward and let two bundles unroll. “Snuggies!!!”

“Oh God, put it on quick,” she says, averting her eyes. “My eyes can’t blur out body parts.”

Camera shows me and my girlfriend standing with our his-and-hers Snuggies on. We look like two monks from a bizarre religious cult. We snuggle up on the couch and gaze into each other’s eyes.

“Honey,” I say, “I’m so glad we have this time together — pfftht!”

“I am too, my dear — pfftht!” She spits something from her mouth. “What is that stuff?”

“I put the Snuggies in the dryer earlier and I think they might be shedding. Hold on.”

Camera shows me taking off my Snuggie and shaking it furiously. Little grey fluffs fill the air, turning my living room into a snow globe. I stare in horror at my lotion-coated body, which has so many fluffs on it blurring is no longer necessary.

Cut to commercial: The Schticky! Guaranteed to pick up anything!

Camera fades in on me writing. “S-C-H-T-I-C-K-Y,” I say. “Good, I might need that.”

Cut back to the couch. My girlfriend and I are now huddled under a fluff-free blanket. We’re safely inside from the howling wind. Steaming mugs of hot cocoa on the table. We smile at each other. Nothing needs to be said. I go in for a kiss…

Suddenly she lets out a bloodcurdling shriek and gives me a violent head-butt to the face.

Cut to the bathroom five minutes later.

“Mike, I’m so sorry!”

“It’s OK, honey. The bleeding stopped.”

“There was a ladybug buzzing past, and you know how I get startled by bugs.”

“Startled… homicidal… whatever. But it’s OK, I’ll take care of the ladybug.” I walk out of the bathroom and start rolling up a magazine.”

“Don’t you dare hurt that poor little thing!” she screams.

“Right, no, I would never. I’m just going to pick it up.”

I get the ladybug on the magazine and open the front door. I stare at it for a second. “Poor little thing,” I say. Heart-tugging piano music plays. “She’s not so different from us. She was just doing her own version of hibernating in my apartment. Oh well. Time for an unexpected journey.”

I toss her in a snow bank and slam the door on the howling wind. Cut to my girlfriend. “Are you sure she’ll be —”

“Yeah, she’ll be fine. She’s a survivor.”

Cut to us back on the couch in each other’s arms. Nothing remains to distract us from some serious hibernating. She whispers in my ear, “Can I ask you something?”

I smile. “Of course you can.”

She smiles back. “Do you have any ice?”

“Ice? Um… sure, there are trays in the freezer.”

“Yeah… but you know how I like chipped ice. Like you get in a fountain drink.”

Camera focuses on my head slowly turning toward the window. I stare outside. Ice. Snow. A world of white as far as the eye can see.

“You want… ice?”

Cut to her smiling and giving me a cute shrug.

Final shot of me leaving my house and tromping down the front walk as the freezing wind howls around me.

“Some people just don’t get it,” I mutter.

Mike Mulhern lives in Stowe. Comment on this article on stowereporter.com, or e-mail letters to news@stowereporter.com.